What Is My Greatest Fear?

My greatest fear is being alone--living a life with no friends. Life alone is I go to work and I go home. I stay at home on weekends. The activities outside home are family related and doing errands. Really boring ;__; Life is boring being alone. Coworkers and classmates are excluded from a lonely life. I’m talking about friends you spent your free time with.

I didn’t have any friends outside school from pre-school to 7th grade. I wonder why my parents failed to encourage me to make friends? Oh, well. I was invited to a few birthday parties. One of my classmates invited me to his birthday party two years in a row, and the second year he went to a different school. I received the invitation by mail (the old fashion way of communication, LOL). The birthday party I went twice most of the time I was alone. I rarely talked to the kids. WTH?!? I feared participating in the piñata game. I wondered why I was invited. I was a weird kid. I had no control over my actions. I acted weird. My behavior was retarded. I was not a smart student.

I remember one lunch recess in 1st grade. The year was 1981. My classmates and I played Star Wars. I never saw the movie. I bull shitted my way through the game. I don’t remember if my classmates called me a liar or faker. I say yes they did. I was also a tattletale. I tell the yard supervisor when I see trouble. For instance, three of my classmates sunk out of the school grounds to the nearby park. I told the yard supervisor. She was pissed at my classmates. She and another teacher went to the park to find them. I made three enemies the next school day. I was awarded with a whistle on a yellow string from the yard supervisor on the last school assembly of the year thanking me for helping them out. WTF?!? Today if I’m a tattletale, I get beat up and I get in trouble by the school given today’s politically correct way of education. Throughout my 1st grade year I had no friends I considered “friends.” My classmates when I was in kindergarten either stayed in kindergarten for one more year or went to another school. One classmate and I went to 1st grade in my kindergarten class.

Anyways, my childhood I played with my brother, my brother’s friends, and cousins. Perhaps, my parents failed to encourage me making friends because I have a brother to play with. Interesting thought. Our closest cousin influenced my brother and I what we do outside school. He introduced us to GI JOE, Transformers, Legos, and baseball cards. My brother and I never got into Star Wars when we were kids. Pathetic :(

In 6th grade and 7th grade, many mornings and many lunch times I hung out by myself. In the mornings, I waited at the front of the school next to the bench watching the buses, parents dropping off their children, and teachers coming to work. In the lunch time, I sat down next to the boy’s locker room entrance and did homework or watched the other kids play sports and talk to each other after I ate lunch in the lunch benches. (Students must eat lunches in the bench areas next to the cafeteria.) I befriended the handicapped students in 7th grade. The bright spot took place at the last months in 7th grade where I played basketball with five friends who were like me—we were one of the least popular students. We played 3 on 3 basketball.

8th grade was a turnaround. I met and hung out with friends in 8th grade. I had my first girlfriend in 8th grade. I attended the school dances and got along with many students and they got along with me. I wasn’t the most popular. I considered myself someone easily recognizable.

Today, I have lots of friends. I have the ability and confidence to meet new people and make more friends. There is no such thing as having not enough friends. Friends come and go. For me, I like to have friends stay in my life for a long, long time. I have friends outside Northern California. I have a few out of state. One of my friends we have been friends since Summer 1997. He’s a great guy we have many similar interests and hobbies. He’s dependable and trustworthy. We discuss anything and we are honest. I like friends who are not bull shit.

I rather have lots of friends and stay single instead of being with one person I’m in love with and married. Friendships can last a long time. I see long-term friendships with about 98% of my friends. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have any friends who don’t respect me. If I have anyone, which is highly possible, who doesn’t respect me, I like to know because I listen to all opinions who they think of me.

There is nothing wrong being alone sometimes. I like to do errands alone most of the time. Sometimes I want alone time at home such as watching a movie, watching anime, playing video games, or just taking a break from outside life. Also, I like to work alone most of the time. I get more repots and assignments completed when I’m alone.

Side Note: I had some good moments in 1st grade. I got along well with my classmates in my reading lab. I think back now and everyone in reading lab was like me: dumb and

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