Introduction

On Tuesday September 2, 2008, I began my identity crisis. Who am I? What do I want? How am I going to achieve it? Where am I going? Why am I experiencing the identity crisis? When am I going to find my true identity? These and more questions I solve eventually. If you never experience an identity crisis, you are likely going to. The answers come after months, if not, most likely years of pain, frustrations, mistakes, and trial and error. The journey or the process of beating the identity crisis is more important than finding the answers for the new me, the innovated me :]

Fortunately, the significant portion of my identity crisis is solved. The last week of August I thought about drinking alcohol for the first time in my life. Coincidentally, I read a book “I Wish They Serve Beer In Hell” by Tucker Max. I finished reading the book on Monday September 15. The book is on my all-time favorite list of books. I highly recommend for any lifestyle. I choose to remain 100% non-alcoholic after reading the book. My life and my personality are not going to bars, drinking beer while watching football games, social drinking, sleeping with many women, and one or two drinks a day. I asked people who drink or had drink, “Am I missing anything not drinking?” All of the answers are, “No. [I’m] missing nothing being a non-alcoholic.”

Today I begin self-interviewing. I ask questions about myself and give honest answers. The blog “Finding Raymond Mar” is a blog I get personal. No lies, no sugar-coating, and no bullshit. It’s me now and hopefully an innovated me later. Anything goes >__> I want to share my experiences because the chances are high, you, the reader, is going to experience an identity crisis someday. Those who are experiencing an identity crisis may use my process to aid in finding the new, the innovate you. In addition, I’m going to post short blog entries sharing positives for the day, two days, three days, or any certain period of time to build confidence, to build momentum, and show action I’m battling my identity crisis day by day by day. I begin the self-interviewing with three simple and strong questions. Good luck, everyone ^__^

*Am I happy? And why. I’m unhappy. My job is a dead-end position and I have too much free time at work. My department got a new manager who started June 9. The first six weeks the new manager started, I averaged two hours of quality work a day. I had free time I got tired surfing the web and watching videos on YouTube. I moved to a new building to be closer to my manager who works in another department. I still have days I had free time. There is no opportunity for new responsibilities and promotions. I’m a contract worker =\ If my contract is terminated, then it’s a blessing in disguise because I can go back to school. I have enough money in my savings to pay my tuition.

My home is boring. My mom likes to cook big portions so we don’t have to cook everyday. Also, she prohibits cooking stir fry on the stove because she wants to keep the stove top clean. We broil, bake, and steam our meals only. I hate leftovers. The house also has too much junk. Every room has junk my parents don’t use. My mom has the most junk in the house and some in the garage. Even my Dad has a good share of junk. For me, if I don’t use it, I sell it or I donate it. I have been thinking about moving out more times since September than in, say, the last three years. Every weekday and most weekends are routine mostly.

I want more friends especially closer to my age. Maybe it’s bad luck I can’t find more friends closer to my age with similar hobbies including anime, board games, classic rock, working out in the gym, and going places. However, anybody can be a friend as long they are not weird. Almost all of my friends are in their 20s and some are in college. Where are my people in my 30s? Married and devoted to family? The better question is where are my single people in my 30s? I believe a person can have too many friends. Regardless, I treasure and recognize all my friends. As far as I’m concern, nobody hates me =)

I’m lost in life. I’m 34 years old with a wisdom of a 24 years old—perhaps 18 years old arguably *__* I don’t know what to do. I have no clue =| I’m all ears for suggestions and ideas.

*What is courage to me? I have no definition :( I never was in a situation or event where I needed courage. I never used courage. There were critical events and moments either my parents or someone else took over and succeeded. I was a non-factor, a spectator. I never faced death. I never cheated death. I never stood up for someone. I never helped anyone randomly such as helping change a tire and helping an injured person. And I never participated in extra curricular activities in high school and college. I was afraid of meeting new people while in college. It’s really sad. It’s pathetic. And I’m afraid to appeal to the noble motives in my family. WTF!!! I’m a wimp. I’m a coward T__T

*What are my desires? One of my attitudes and my personality is being a jack-of-all-trades person who knows and who experiences a little of everything. My desire is to know and to experience a little of everything which can be good.

On the other hand, it can be bad to know a little. The better question is, “What is your number one true desire?” Examples can be own a business, a hobby, getting a college degree, the one desire a person devotes hours a day to the desire; for example, Beethoven practiced piano eight hours a day. Desires changes of course such as a person earning a degree and now desires to find the dream job. My answer is I have no number one true desire. My number one desire is anime; however, anime is not my TRUE desire. Most of my anime knowledge and current events are from my friends who have a bigger desire than me. They devote more time and more of their incomes to anime than me. And some of my friends who are anime fans anime is their number one true desire including drawing anime, watching anime, and playing video games related to anime. My collection of anime is small. There are devoted anime fans with an anime collection 10 or 20 times the size of my collection. We are talking more than DVDs and comic books (i.e. manga for us anime fans). We are talking about figurines, posters, wall scrolls, pins, pencil boards, models, whatever anything with an anime character on it.

I tried to make the following my number one true desire: stock investing, airsoft, starting a small business, PC video games, sewing and costumes, being a high school math teacher, consistent workout plan, real estate investing, learning Illustrator, learning XML, learning JavaScript, making webpages, and poker. All either failed or I knew enough just to get by. I had no desire in my past jobs, and I have no desire in my current job.

As of the blog entry, I have no number one true desire. Even if I have a number one true desire now, given my past experiences above, I doubt I devote enough time and effort to keep my number one true desire a number one true desire. I’m living life one day at a time.

Side Note: I continue posting at “Innovating Common Knowledge,” the blog where I innovate common knowledge and daily life. I did post some personal events for better and for worse =) And I write a blog on my definition of a weird person posted at Innovating Common Knowledge.

Side Note 2: I don’t plan to share the solutions or the actions to beat my identity crisis in the short-term. The plan currently is share my feelings inside me . . . bring everything out in the open.

Visit my first blog Innovating Common Knowledge